O/T: Funniest Thing You or a Friend Has Said During Sex

[Arodd]

or hooking up, whatever the case may be. Been wanting to make this thread for a couple days now, have a feeling there will be some ridiculous shit in here hopefully. I will start off with a few...
From own personal experience:
"Umm...I'll just bust on your stomach I guess."---said when i was fucking hammered on my 21st birthday, laying next to this bitch that i was messing with, said when she asked me where i was going to get off, because at the time iw as sick of hooking up with her cause she wasn't getting the job done (prob. my fault cause i was wasted) so I had told her to masturbate, just so I could take care of myself and get the fuck out of there. She asked, and like an idiot, that's what I said.
Turned out in my favor though---because instead of letting me do that she just finished me off by going down on me for the 3rd time that night. Needless to say, 5 minutes later I was out the front door. Took FOREVER. Anyone who has hooked up when drunk can probably attest to this at times.
Actually you could argue that the most ridiculous thing i said was telling her to take care of her self in the first place...but the sad thing is, that wasn't the only time i've said that to a girl when i'm hammered and wanting to bust a nut.

The following are from others...

 

[Fishhead]

In the style of the immortal words of Jim Mora(playoffs?).....

SEX............SEX............WHAT'S THAT?

 

[Arodd]

This was said by Skinsraj28 when he came out to visit. We were at a club near ND with my friends, getting shitfaced, so he meets this girl and she takes him back to her place. They start doing the damned thing, and at some point during hooking up Skins says:
"umm....you might wanna think about shaving down there."

I lost it when he told me and my friends that he said that. He didn't think it was a big deal at all, telling some random girl who was going to do anything he wanted, what he said above. Unreal. Her response was equally ridiculous:

"I don't have anyone to shave for..." WOW. guess the girl had self-esteem issues or something. Hilarious. Needless to say, she still domed him up afterwards too. I love it.

 

[CAPNCRUNCH]

When I was learning Spanish I told a young lady one night , "Que ancha", like 50 times. I thought I was telling her how tight she was. Turns out, ancha means exactly the opposite! Oops! My bad. She was a freak anyhow, didn't much matter!:lolBIG:

 

[Arodd]

Last one from my side. This was said by an older acquaintance. Used to go to IU, was tight with a buddy of mine. Apparently he loved treating women like shit, yet also liked getting some stimulation from his own backside...
So he's hammered and hooking up with this one woman, and she's basically doing whatever he wants, and out of the blew he says:

"Hey, finger my asshole you stupid bitch."

I'm laughing my ass off just writing that. The fact that he requested that #1, and #2 that he called her a stupid bitch. It gets better. She does it (hilarious), and she's doing it, and out of nowhere he says:

"Hey...look at you fingering my asshole you goddamn bitch."

Who the fuck says that? Good god i thought it was one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.
Okay I'm done. hopefully some of you all step up to bat for yourself or friends.

 

[juice]

People here are too busy gambling to have sex, come on.
Hitting a 5 team parlay feels about the same as getting off on any given night.

 

[SkinsRaj28]

Last one from my side. This was said by an older acquaintance. Used to go to IU, was tight with a buddy of mine. Apparently he loved treating women like shit, yet also liked getting some stimulation from his own backside...
So he's hammered and hooking up with this one woman, and she's basically doing whatever he wants, and out of the blew he says:

"Hey, finger my asshole you stupid bitch."

I'm laughing my ass off just writing that. The fact that he requested that #1, and #2 that he called her a stupid bitch. It gets better. She does it (hilarious), and she's doing it, and out of nowhere he says:

"Hey...look at you fingering my asshole you goddamn bitch."

Who the fuck says that? Good god i thought it was one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.
Okay I'm done. hopefully some of you all step up to bat for yourself or friends.

That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.

 

[wilheim]

Top 40 things not to say during sex.

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Do you accept Visa?
So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
Got any penicillin?
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
When is this supposed to feel good?

Did I remember to take my pill?
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
No, really... I do this part better myself!
You're almost as good as my ex!

Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear?
How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

 

[kingbill]

Get off me, you Homo!

 

[Arodd]

damn Wil, you said all that?
Yeah you did...haha

 

[TescoVee]

after a girl didnt want to give it up to my buddy, claiming to be on the rag he quips
"But your mouth aint bleeding"

 

[RobFunk]

My brother told me some story where he was on top of a chic gett'n biz and exclaimed "AH! AH!"

Then he said the girl asked him "Is it that good baby?"

And he said "NO! I Just hurt my back!"


I like that story becuase he flat out tells the girl it's not that good, he just hurt his back. Kind of mean, but whatever.

 

[Arodd]

after a girl didnt want to give it up to my buddy, claiming to be on the rag he quips
"But your mouth aint bleeding"

hahahah use that mouth whore

 

[-Slim-]

"Shit, he scored all the way from first on a single!"

 

[Arodd]

My brother told me some story where he was on top of a chic gett'n biz and exclaimed "AH! AH!"

Then he said the girl asked him "Is it that good baby?"

And he said "NO! I Just hurt my back!"


I like that story becuase he flat out tells the girl it's not that good, he just hurt his back. Kind of mean, but whatever.

being mean to girls is great

 

[Jabow]

Some funny stuff Wil:thumbsup2:

 

[t3a]

my ex gf had a really funny one she told me - she said she had been on some medication to treat endometriosis and her doctor said she was infertile. So the first time we were together she said "don't worry I'm safe"

It was really hysterical when the doctor pinpointed that first night as the date she got pregnant. Man I still laugh me ass off about that safe comment everytime I think about the hundreds of thousands of dollars I have spent in legal fees, child support and other expenses since then.

Man she got me good, what a joker she was:missingte

 

[Arodd]

my ex gf had a really funny one she told me - she said she had been on some medication to treat endometriosis and her doctor said she was infertile. So the first time we were together she said "don't worry I'm safe"

It was really hysterical when the doctor pinpointed that first night as the date she got pregnant. Man I still laugh me ass off about that safe comment everytime I think about the hundreds of thousands of dollars I have spent in legal fees, child support and other expenses since then.

Man she got me good, what a joker she was:missingte

wow that is fucked up.
good thing you can laugh about it i guess...wow
keep these quotes going guys...i was expecting this to be a great thread. I know oldirtyku must have some good ones

 

[ButI'mTedBell]

Did you just fart?:monsters-

 

[chiefssth]

Get off me, you Homo!

:lolBIG::missingte:missingte Damn KB. I wouldn't have admitted that.